Super Dads
by EmeraldsandAmethyst
Summary: Sam and Peter adopt two very young children, that just so happen to also be Peter's clones. Please don't ask. Kidfic AU.
1. Checkup

**Summary:** Sam and Peter take their new(ish) children (that are also Peter's clones, don't ask) to their monthly check up. It goes surprisingly well, all things considered (they only destroy $800 of equipment this time).

 _ **Notes:** ((idk if it is a white people thing or a southern thing or maybe a southern white people thing, but when I was causing trouble as a kid my honky grandparents and parents always said I was raising Cain and I ought to stop raising Cain, I uh, just figured that might have been a thing in Pete's family._

 _They haven't settled on a name for Kaine yet, and yes, there was, at some point in the past, a third clone, but I didn't wanna write any angst. So. Oh and Sam and Peter are in their early twenties and were living together before they adopted Peter's clones._

 _Have this thing.))_

* * *

 **Super Dads: Checkup**

"Right this way Peter, Sam, good to see you again," Doctor Connors said leading them back to the exam room. Smiling brightly at the baby Parkers he added, "and it is a real pleasure to see you two little spiders, too."

May clung to Peter with her spider powers and stared back at Doctor Connors with wide eyes. Looking up at Peter, she tucked her face against his chest.

"Hey, it's OK sweet pea, daddy's here. You remember Doc Connors, don't you?" Peter cooed, stroking her back soothingly.

The baby boy sticking to Sam complained loudly and snuggled closer, glaring at the world in general before resuming chewing on his wrist.

"Hey, nene, it's gonna be OK. It's just Doc Connors, he's gonna do a check up and make sure everything is going alright," Sam said lightly, rubbing his thumb across baby Parker's less slobbery fist.

"I know you settled on May for our big girl, but did you decide on a name for our little man?" Doctor Connors asked.

"Well, not really, no," Peter said, embarrassed.

"He seems to like Cain," Sam said at the same time. Baby Parker gurgled and looked up at Sam.

"Oh my gosh, Sam! That was one time I said that," Peter said, flushing in further embarrassment.

Baby Parker cooed happily at Peter's embarrassment. Peter attempted to glower back at his tiny, grumpy baby, but his glare only made his son giggle.

"Well, he does seem to respond to it, but there's really no rush. Many cultures don't name their babies until their first birthday, or later, and they turn out just fine," Doc Connors said consolingly.

Sam stepped up to the custom SI med scanner, baby Parker still sticking to his chest. It whirred into life and began scanning.

"I'm glad to see how he's growing, he's much more responsive and alert now," Connors said with satisfaction, Sam and Peter sharing tired smiles. Then Doctor Connors gestured to the baby's determined wrist chewing, "Has he been doing that often?"

Sam nodded, while Peter made a thoughtful sound. May watched the med scanner pass over Sam and her little brother intently.

"Yeah, within the past two weeks he's started really chewing at both wrists," Sam said.

"I think it started when his weight picked up," Peter said.

Doctor Connors nodded as he tapped at the Starkpad in his lap. May turned her gaze from the finished med scanner to Doctor Connor's missing arm, staring curiously.

"Well, the scanner is picking up an anomaly in his wrists that wasn't there last month. It could be that with proper nutrition his unique genetics are able to express themselves," Doctor Connor said thoughtfully as he inspected the scans of the baby's wrists. He shook his head.

"He's just too small for the scanner to make out that much. Here, Sam, let me check his wrists," Connors said as he sat his Starkpad on the nearby counter, stocked with standard doctor's office medical supplies and some children's boardbooks. May eyed the Starkpad and looked up at Peter. Peter was watching Connors attempt to palpate his son's wrists.

It was not going well. Even six month old baby spider folk were strong, and without the Nova Force Sam really couldn't hold him still. Peter kissed the top of May's head and sat her down in the chair next to the desk.

"He's pretty feisty," Peter said with a nervous laugh, as he gently grabbed his little wrists and held them still. Baby Parker screamed his displeasure and began thrashing. Sam grunted as his tiny, powerful kicks landed on his stomach.

"Hey, nene, I know, you're mad! I'd be mad, too!" Sam said, "Just gotta feel your wrists then we'll be all done."

Red faced and teary eyed, baby Parker grabbed hold of Doctor Connors' finger. Connors jumped back with a muffled curse and turned to the sink, hastily running his finger under the water.

Peter let go in surprise. Baby Parker pulled his hands back and crawled up Sam's chest to snuggle firmly under his chin, sniffling and glowering at his dad.

"Aww, little guy, papá is here," Sam soothed, reaching up to rub circles on his back.

"What happened, Doc, is everything OK?" Peter asked, hovering anxiously nearby.

"Ah, everything is fine, Peter, it was just surprising is all," Connors said, inspecting the tiny, red hand print on his finger. Peter grabbed his hand and inspected it.

"Oh my gosh is that a chemical burn?!" Peter said, then dropping the doctor's hand he spun around to Sam, "Are you ok? Did you get burned? Sam, I need to know!"

In full assessment mode, Peter started running his hands across Sam's chest.

"Dude, I'm fine. No burns. Chillax," Sam said in annoyance, stepping back with a huff.

"Da pa ga," baby Parker complained.

"It's mostly superficial," Connors said, reaching for his Starkpad, "I'll need to write this down…"

His Starkpad was not where he'd left it.

"Aw, chiquita, not the Starkpad, too" Sam said as he noticed May hiding under the chairs, the electronic guts of the Starkpad strewn about in a relatively neat and orderly manner between the popped open front screen and back shell.

Peter whirled around and reached for May. She stuck her bottom to the floor and held stubbornly onto the chipset in her hands. Maneuvering around the baby still cuddled (and stuck) under his chin, Sam picked up the chair she was hiding under with a grunt and set it aside.

"May, baby, sweet pea, precious girl, honey bunches," Peter cajoled, "Please let go of the very expensive thing and come to daddy."

"Mía," May said. Sam reached down and tickled at her knuckles.

"C'mon, niña, I know it's really pretty, but please put it back?" Sam asked sweetly, crouching down in front of her.

"No. Mía," May said. Peter made noises of extreme distress as she remained stuck to the floor. Baby Parker giggled.

"May, little girl, at least let daddy pick you up," Sam tried. May did not immediately respond.

Peter fell over with a thump as she unstuck herself from the floor, expensive electronic components flying everywhere. May and her little brother both giggled.

Doctor Connors sighed, "I'll be right back, please don't break the med-scanner."

Peter looked up at Sam with a thousand yard stare. Sam rolled his eyes.

"Stop being so dramatic, Web Head."

"Saaaaaaaaammmmm," Peter whined. May clapped, breaking the chipset into pieces. She stared at the broken bits still in her hands in confusion. Peter sighed.

"You broke it, sweet pea," Peter said, standing up and shifting her to his hip, brushing the silicon shards from his chest. Sticking to him with her legs and bottom, she held the broken pieces up to Peter's face.

"Boke, boke," she said seriously. Peter and Sam nodded.

"Yes, sweetness, it's broken," Peter said.

"That's right, chiquita, it's broke. Está roto," Sam agreed.

"Boke odo," May said, looking over at Sam and holding out the pieces to him. Sam held out his hand and she dropped them into it.

'All done' she signed, then unstuck herself from Peter. Peter caught her before she dropped too far.

"Hey, little arachnid! Where do you think you're scampering off to?" Peter said raising her up above his head playfully.

May stuck out her tongue and blew a raspberry as her escape attempt was foiled. Sam shook his head and started picking up the broken tablet from the ground as Peter settled May on his other side.

Doctor Connors came back in, finger bandaged and fresh Starkpad loaded with the two spider clones med files.

"Thank you, Sam," Doctor Connors said with a smile, "Don't worry about breaking the 'pad, SHIELD will take care of it, if Stark doesn't. It's supposed to be indestructible."

Peter and Sam shared a laugh.

"Nothing is indestructible to spider babies," Peter said, rubbing the back of his head with his free hand. Doctor Connors laughed with them.

"Apparently not," he said, then nodded his head towards the med-scanner, "Now, if someone could stand with our little scientist for her turn, please?"

Peter stepped onto the scanner with May on his hip, and it began scanning. May reached out cautiously to the lights passing over her and her dad.

Peter pointed up at the sensors and started describing, in rather a lot of detail, what was happening. Sam rolled his eyes and shifted the baby to his shoulder.

"Your dad's a nerd, nene," Sam stage whispered.

"Paaa, papapapa, dadada, nnnnnnnnah."

Peter was not amused.

"We can hear that, you know," Peter said with a huff.

"Nnnnnnah!"

"That's right, nene, nerd," Sam agreed.

Doctor Connors hummed thoughtfully as he reviewed the scanner's results.

"Well, everything appears in line with May. Her height, weight and head circumference are steadying out now. I don't see any anomalies in her wrists, which is in line with what we think was done with her creation," Connors said, "About how many words would you say she knows now?"

"Uh, oh, at least fifteen that she can sort of say," Sam said thoughtfully. Peter stepped back over to Sam and the baby.

"Does sign language count for words? Because she knows at least four signs," Peter added. Doctor Connors made a note and hummed thoughtfully.

"That is a bit much for a thirteen month old, but nothing to be worried about, really," Connors said, "It's certainly much better than how we found her, amazing what plenty of food and love will do, eh?"

Sam and Peter shared proud smiles as they cuddled their respective spider babies close. Peter leaned over to press kisses to Sam and his son.

With a pleased squeal baby Parker waved his wrist around and shot a glob of silk at his dad's face. Sam and May laughed as Peter dodged onto the wall. May clapping her hands in delight.

"So that's what that anomaly was," Doctor Connors said, making a note.

* * *

 _((nene is something like baby/baby boy in Spanish, chiquita is something roughly like little girl in Spanish, mía is mine, niña is baby girl. Also, if you didn't know, babies can sign well before they can vocalize.))_


	2. Name Day

**Summary:** Sam's other, other job calls (the one with considerably more actual aliens than either dadding it up or being a S.H.E.I.L.D. agent) and Peter is left alone with their kids (that are still his clones, seriously don't ask). Hopefully, this time, there will be fewer (i.e. less than seven) scorch marks on their walls (and ceilings, and floors) when Sam returns this time.

 _ **Notes:** ((I guess I should clarify the kids ages, huh? Kaine is 7 months-ish and May is 14 months-ish in this one. It's been about a month since the previous ficlet. And yes, May is displaying really advanced speech for her age, I am aware.))_

 _((Trapster is technically also a Peter but I'm just gonna stick to Trapster for him, k? K. also i've never been to nyc I just use google. If I've messed up with some touristy way to get somewhere or describe something, my apologies. Also, also, I figured DBC is basically Fox News so I put DBC's headquarters in the same place, and if you don't know, Hawkeye's Apartment Building is in Bedford-Stuyvesant, probably on Quincy St.))_

 _There's a couple of swears but i don't censor language with my kids so ?_

* * *

 **Super Dads: Name Day**

"Try not to raise any Cain for your poor, abused father, nene," Sam teased, floating down for a quick kiss to the top of their still unnamed baby boy's head. He clapped and smiled, showing off all five of his teeth. Peter sighed in exasperation.

"I will think of a name **soon** , that **isn't** Cain. And then what are you two gonna do?" Peter complained. Sam snorted and floated up to Peter for a gentle kiss to his lips. Baby Parker blew a raspberry.

"You keep saying that like you think it's gonna happen," Sam said, amused. May held her arms out to her papá.

"Bueya, bueya," she demanded. Sam floated to her and picked her up. She pointed imperiously, "Zoom, Papá, zoom!"

Sam kissed her cheek and floated back to Peter.

"No kih, Papá! Papá zoom!" May complained.

"That's because it **will** happen, Bucket Head. You'll come back from your lame galaxy quest and your arañito will be answering to Drake. Or Tobias, or maybe even Andrew, or-"

Sam cut Peter off with another kiss. May let out an angry shriek. Baby joined in with his own, delighted shriek.

"Papá no kih Dada! Papá zoom!" May protested. Baby raised his own arms up and gurgled.

"Oom oom!"

Peter stepped back and shook his head, pretending to be being deeply offended.

"Papá fly, Papá zoom, Papá this, Papá that. What about your dear old dad, huh?" Peter threw his forearm to his head dramatically and feigned a swoon. Baby giggled and clapped.

"Dada no zoom, Papá zoom," May reasoned. Sam laughed as Peter mimed being shot through the heart. Pretending to collapse slowly Peter 'fell' down next to his son, pouting.

"Daaa dada nnnnah! Papaaaapa pa ooooom!"

"You too, little man?" Peter said, faux wounded, "You're gonna be a nerd too, you know, and then what will you do?"

"Hah, he's gonna be the **coolest** arach-nerd when he gets bigger," Sam said, turning on his back and floating down on baby Parker's other side. Sam feigned great distress as he lifted his daughter up in his arms, "I'm sorry chiquita, you've inherited your daddy's major dorkness," Sam turned to his son and shook his head, "Arañito. I fear it's terminal."

Peter let out a noise of protest, then a squawk as Sam spun over and picked them all up, much to baby and May's delight. Though admittedly, Sam more tossed Peter up in the air and held still while he situated their children. Peter flipped easily and landed lightly on his partner's back, posing like a surfer before giggling to himself and dropping into a cuddle against Sam's back.

"OK, you convinced me! We'll zoom before Papá goes to _The Milano_ ," Sam said brightly.

Baby Parker stuck firmly to Sam, in the crook of his arm. May flipped about, sticking with her back to her papá's chest and raising her arms in front of her gleefully. Sam put a steadying hand to her, ready to catch her if she fell (or 'fell') off.

"Are all my web heads ready?" Sam asked with a smile.

"Oom! Oom!"

"Zoom!"

"Mush, Bucket Head, mush!"

Sam rolled his eyes and flared out the Nova Force theatrically, wrapping it around his family before 'zooming' at a tame pace about their apartment.

After a few circuits Sam floated back upright over the play area. Peter flipped over Sam's head and landed in a crouch in front of him, stretching out his hands to May.

"OK, sweetness, daddy's-" Peter began, May unsticking herself from her papá with a giggle as she fell the short distance into her dad's arms, "-ready."

May clambered onto Peter's back and peeked out over his shoulder, giggling. Sam and Peter shared a smile, Peter reaching for his son. Baby Parker remained stuck to Sam's side for a few stubborn moments, before relenting and reaching his arms out to his dad.

"OK, Papá is gonna head out now. And Web Head, cup ramen does not three square meals make," Sam said.

"Ha. Ha," Peter said dryly.

"Wamen, wamen!"

"Ahmmm, ahm!"

"Go on, Bucket Head, go save the galaxy, shoo," Peter said, voice rough.

Sam flitted across to give his family one final peck each.

"You losers be safe," Sam said gruffly, darting to their fire escape window, opening it and shooting off into the stars in a blue streak.

May and baby waved happily as Peter carried them over to the window, pulling it closed with a sigh.

"Well, looks like it's just us spiders tonight," Peter said aloud.

Peter's communicator beeped a priority tone.

"Ah schnitzel."

* * *

"Yo Spidey, whatcha need?" Their pink haired neighbor said as she opened her door and leaned out, looking down the hallway.

"Hahaha, Spider-Man, me? No way, Aimee, I'm just your totally normal neighbor, Peter!" Peter said waving his hands dismissively, forgetting for a moment to pretend and hold onto the baby (currently sticking with his spider powers) cuddled to his chest.

"For Thor's sake Pete your apartment number is a spider emoji!" Aimee's roommate called out. Aimee nodded in agreement.

"That was Hawkeye's idea!" Peter called out defensively.

"Hawkgeh!" 'hawk' May said and signed with a smile.

"Wageh, wageh geehhhh," 'hawk' baby Parker burbled and signed.

"I mean, Clint. Agent Barton. Whom I know because he is our landlord and also my fellow, totally normal S.H.E.I.L.D. agent slash co-worker," Peter said, smile strained.

"Right. Sure," Aimee agreed, opening the door all the way and gesturing for Peter and the kids to enter. May toddling along, clinging to Peter's pants leg.

"Oh, is Sam out making new stars or whatever?" Aimee's roommate, Joe, said as they looked up from their laptop.

May smiled at them and ducked her head behind her dad's leg.

"Guarding the galaxy," Peter corrected on reflex, then waved his hands about for a panicked moment, "N-n-not that that is what he's doing, now, not in so much that any S.H.I.E.L.D. agent couldn't be said to guard the galaxy!"

"Gahdeens!" May said, looking up at Peter hopefully.

"Googaah, oogoot goog?" Baby Parker asked raising his head from his dad's chest and blinking as he looked about the room.

"Riiiight," Aimee said, raising an eyebrow and sharing a look with Joe. They shrugged and checked their twitter feed.

"Squirrel Girl just tweeted about that weird octo guy and trap pot what's his name tearing up midtown. You need us to babysit?" they said. Peter nodded gratefully, dropping the overnight bag onto the kitchen bar counter top.

"Gotta go do not superhero, totally normal S.H.I.E.L.D. agent stuff," Peter said with all seriousness. Smiling and handing his drowsy baby over to Aimee, "Thank you, so much, you guys are real life savers. Diapers and blankets and toys and formula and bottles and cups and snacks and pacifiers are all in the bag. And little man still gets the extra formula, just like last time."

"Yes, yes, we still have the instructions and I remember what to do. And, yes I still have your Aunt May's phone number, and Mary Jane's phone number, and Harry's phone number, we've watched the kids before, no one died, we've got this. May, Sugarcane, say bye to daddy."

"Nah daaaadaadaaada da paaapaaa papa naah!" Baby Parker cried out in protest as he reached for his dad, his delight in hearing 'cane' overshadowed by fear of being left behind.

"No! No go, no go! Dada stay," 'please' 'please' May pled, still signing please as she started crying.

"Daddy loves you. Daddy loves you both very much. Daddy has to go to work now," Peter said, eyebrows furrowed in distress as he kissed his son and daughter on top of their heads on his way out.

"Aw, babies, daddy 'll be back, don't you worry none," Aimee tried to soothe. May and baby Parker were having none of it. Joe closed their laptop and put it in their room, coming back out with a (possibly handmade) superhero quilt.

"I know it sucks, but hey look, come sit with me and we can see how many Avengers are on this blanket huh? C'mon, let's count 'em!" they said, attempting to distract the upset children from their woes.

Baby's upset wails quieted to unhappy hiccups and sniffles.

"Bengah?" 'a' he signed as Aimee walked over to the quilt and settled him on it. May whimpered and walked over, balance quite sure for such a young toddler.

"Abenger?" 'shield' 'bird' 'hawk' 't' she said and signed, standing next to the blanket and looking down at it.

"And look, little babies, I finished a bit I think you two will like!" they said, pointing out a red and blue Spider-Man square.

"Da! Dada!" baby said, flopping over and inching towards the square. May eyed it with suspicion.

"Dada?" she asked. The suit design on the fabric was three years out of date.

"Ah, well, I guess you've never seen this suit, huh? Spider-Man used to wear this one a few years ago," they explained.

"Dada," May said, sitting down between her younger brother and Joe.

"Your dad is supposed to be smart, right?" Aimee asked the babies.

"Nnnuh, nneh, nnnnahnahnah."

"Dada nehd," May agreed.

"You'd think he'd be better at lying," she mused aloud. A dog's barking drifted up from downstairs. May frowned and scooted closer to her brother.

"Aw, cut him some slack, Aimes, he's getting his Masters isn't he? I bet he saved all his good ones for his professor," Joe said dismissively. Raised voices came up from below, nearly incomprehensible except for the frequent, loud 'bro'.

"Yeah, Professors are jerks," Aimee agreed with an airy wave of her hand. A faint yelp came from downstairs, baby started crying. May signed 'please'.

"Aw, little sugarcane, it's gonna be ok," Aimee cooed at baby.

"Awwww, are you teething little man? Daddy's gonna be back soon, don't worry! I'll get you some crushed ice, hey?" Joe said moving to get up. May grabbed their arm and pulled them down.

"Dada, now," 'please' May signed, still holding onto Joe. Baby's cries turned to whines as he closed his eyes.

"Dada, correh, Papá now," 'please'.

Soft skittering noises came from the walls.

"Whoah, hey there Mayday, I'll be right ba-"

The unlocked door slammed open with a crash.

"Bro! This not personal bro, on the floor bro!"

* * *

"Really, Trapster, really, 'Stick around?' You've already used that joke," Peter said, aggravated.

"Hey, it's a good joke!" Trapster protested, aiming his adhesive gun towards Spider-Man. Doc Ock was currently distracted by Squirrel Girl.

"Three times!" Peter dodged the adhesive effortlessly. Was Doreen talking computer programming and business with Doc Ock? Weird.

"Yeah well, bite me, bug breath!" Trapper snapped.

"Spiders aren't- oh, right fly eating joke," with a thwip and flip Spider-Man landed on the nearby DBC screen, where MJ's live coverage of their battle was taking place, "Nice, nice, surprisingly not that popular of an insult, now that I think about it," Peter didn't have time to read the news ticker, and the angle was all wrong anyways, but MJ's even voice stopped suddenly, replaced with frenetic whispers to someone off set.

"I'm sorry New York, my assistant anchor Jimmy Wilson will be taking over our live coverage of Spider-Man and Squirrel Girl-"

Dread blossomed in Peter's gut as he flipped across the street, eyes on the news ticker scrolling across the bottom of the screen, barely registering MJ's expression of false calm.

"-while I take care of a family emergency. Mary Jane Watson, signing off."

The camera switched abruptly to her surprised assistant.

"Aw, Red, what's wrong?" Trapster called to the screen, gloating as the news copter's spotlight found him. Peter's comm buzzed, and blinked a text (forwarded from his cell), "Your fancy fiancé finally blew himself up with his crazy dad?"

 _Emmy2daJ (21:13) 911 shoot out ur apt bldg_

"Maybe ol' Trapster 'll pay you- urk!" Trapster's crude trash talk was interrupted by a sudden, powerful strike to his adhesive tanks, "Wha-" he gasped, shocked and dazed, then made an inarticulate noise of distress as he found himself lifted above Spider-Man's head.

"Squirrel Girl! Down!" even as Peter barked out the command he pitched Trapster, one handed, at Octavius. Squirrel Girl leapt nimbly away from the now quite stuck together pair of villains.

Doreen let out a huff of frustration and turned around to protest the unneeded interference. Then scratched under her headband in confusion.

Spider-Man was nowhere to be seen.

* * *

Peter was most of the way back to Bedford-Stuyvesant before the initial adrenaline spike had worn off and he thought to check his wrist comm for further messages. He barely slowed his roof jumping to read.

 _Emmy2daJ (21:13) omw now_

He didn't even remember crossing the East River.

 _Emmy2daJ (21:15) NYPD says gang activity_

 _HariBro (21:15) holy shit man i just saw on the news is everything OK?_

Shit, which bridge did he use, did he get too close to the Navy Yard?

 _HariBro (21:16) Pete you there?_

Was there a drone following him even now?

 _HariBro (21:16) Pete just a quick K lemme know you're alright, K?_

He couldn't tell. His panic was screwing with his Spidey Sense.

 _Emmy2daJ (21:17) can't get any other info, possible shield blackout_

 _HariBro (21:17) MJ said she's on her way, please txt me_

When had he run out of swinging space and started roof running?

 _HariBro (21:18) txt me plz pete_

 _HariBro (21:18) i'm really worried about you idiots come on man_

Why hadn't Fury commed him?

 _HariBro (21:19) sam isn't txting back either_

 _HariBro (21:19) pete i swear to god man if you forgot your phone again i'm going to kill you_

Why hasn't anyone at S.H.I.E.L.D. tried to contact him?

 _HariBro (21:20) god don't be dead i'm sorry not funny please be ok_

 _Emmy2daJ (21:20) going into subway_

That had been nearly thirty minutes ago, If MJ was taking the D line she'd probably be getting there in fifteen, twenty minutes.

 _HariBro (21:21) you better have forgotten your phone you idiot_

 _HariBro (21:21) I'm calling Danny_

He'd be there in… ten, maybe eight.

 _HariBro (21:25) asshole's in kunlun calling Luke_

"I should have let Squirrel Girl handle it."

 _HariBro (21:32) had to leave msg with their secretary_

"Called Cho in on it, he could have helped Doreen."

 _HariBro (21:33) this shit is why i hate superheroes man never fucking there when you really need them_

He slowed down his rooftop parkour just enough to text Harry back.

 _me (21:54) Surrey bro I'm ok omw home now no idea watts gong on_

 _HariBro (21:54) jesus christ pete_

 _HariBro (21:54) took you fucking long enough do you have any idea how gd worried I am?_

A S.H.I.E.L.D. convoy drove past on the street below.

 _me (21:54) sorry IM worried 2_

Peter stopped to focus his sense on the convoy, "Mayday, Kaine?" he called loud enough for spider senses to hear inside the vehicles. No response. He hesitated. A new message came in.

 _Bird Dog (21:55) kids are ok I got em_

"Oh thank Christ," Peter said, nearly collapsing on the roof at the sudden flood of relief. After a moment, he sent a text to Harry.

 _me (21:56) Hawkeye says babies r OK, I'm almost there, MJ should be here soon_

Then, a quick one to Mary Jane.

 _me (21:56) Clint has the babies I'm almost there grill Barton for me? Gonna take kiddos & sleep for a week_

His wrist comm buzzed with a relieved text from Harry. Then another message from Hawkeye came through.

 _Bird Dog (21:57) so you can punch me later but I might have bought the building from some maybe Russian mafia and they might not have been happy about that transaction and in retrospect I probably should have told you that before you moved in but in my defense I didn't think they'd actually try to do anything to an actual Avenger_

Peter stared at the message. He looked up at the sky. Not really looking, just in complete disbelief at the insanity that was his life. He began typing as he started moving again.

 _me (21:58) you will explain everything and I will punch you and then you will explain it all over again, to Sam, and he will leave you on the moon_

Peter turned onto Quincy St. The lights of a lone fire truck and two squad cars lit up the distance.

 _me (21:59) after punching you_

 _Emmy2daJ (21:59) got reception again, got your message, I'm on it_

S.H.I.E.L.D. had already dismantled their barricade.

 _Bird Dog (22:00) ok that's fair_

 _Bird Dog (22:00) we're out front btw can't miss us_

 _Emmy2daJ (22:00) still have my keys I'll let myself in when I'm done with Hawkeye_

His enhanced senses picked up his children's cries.

"Daddy's here, daddy's coming, Mayday, Kaine it's going to be ok, daddy's coming right now!" once Peter started speaking it was like a dam had burst, and a flood of relieved rambling words escaped, "Daddy's coming, listen babies, hey listen, I can hear you, you can hear me, sweetlings, I'm almost there, I see you Mayday, with Uncle Hawkeye, and sugarcane are you riding spiders? How are you riding… ok, you know what, not important now, we can figure that out later. Your papá is not gonna believe this. I don't believe this and I'm seeing it."

"Dada!"

"Daaaaa!"

Clint, bright purple hearing aids in, armed with his bow and half empty quiver (and wearing pants, thank God) stood talking with the police and firefighters still on site. They all formed a loose perimeter around an unhappy, very spidery baby. Peter dropped down between Hawkeye and his son. May leapt out of Clint's arms and clung desperately to to her daddy's back. Kaine screamed and began incomprehensibly berating his father. The spiders skittered away, back to whichever web they had been summoned from. Peter picked baby Kaine up and nuzzled him close, breathing deep.

Spider-Man turned his head to look at Hawkeye.

"Tomorrow. We're talking. Tonight. Sleep," Peter said shortly. Clint rubbed the back of his head and gestured at the building.

"I think they might have smashed up some of your stuff before they got stopped, it's not really baby safe, my loft is a little better," Clint said. Peter stared at him, though really he could have been making any expression under the mask, his displeasure was clearly conveyed either way.

"Did they get to the nursery?"

"Ah, no? I don't think so?"

Peter grunted in response and leapt up onto the wall of their apartment building. May clinging easily to his back, Kaine stuck firmly to his front. Climbing around to the nursery window he tapped his wrist comm to a custom digital lock and flung it open. He watched it as it sailed on up, off the hinges and landed with a clatter on the fire escape. From upstairs, Lucky began barking.

"Shit, oh fuck," Peter groaned, "I mean, sorry! Sorry! My bad! Everything's OK just your friendly neighborhood idiot, failing at opening his own window."

Lucky gave a final, irritated bark at Peter's voice and quieted down.

"Fuck," May agreed as Peter climbed inside, looking around the room. Some of the drawers had been removed and baby clothes were everywhere, but the only thing breakable was the lamp, and it had been spared. Peter sighed.

"Ffffffffffuh!" Kaine tried.

"Sam's gonna kill me," he moaned to himself.

"Fuck?" May asked, trying out the new word. Peter switched out the lighting bolt marked cartridge from one of his webshooters with a red spider marked one.

"R.I.P. Peter Parker, worst dad on Earth," he said as he leapt up to the ceiling and webbed the window (now a hole in the wall) closed with the new fluid, "Worse than space outlaws and talking raccoons."

Peter tapped Kaine's wrists.

"Hey Kaine, wanna help daddy make a nest?" Peter asked. Kaine gurgled and shot globs of silk onto the ceiling. Peter smiled tiredly at his delight, then realizing he was still fully suited up, he pulled off his mask and flung it on the ground.

Peter started in on a hammock, both babies watching intently. May inched up her dad's back and started chewing on his longish, still terribly cut hair.

"OK, potty break and then bed, let's go," Peter said aloud. Two diaper changes and one potty break later, he was settling his babies into the hammock. The sounds of a very cross godmother verbally tearing into one Clint Barton drifted up through the webbed window frame.

"Right! Now we don't wanna fall, so we gotta make it cozy!" Peter said, webbing up almost a cocoon, with an opening big enough for him to crawl out of near the top. Kaine 'helped' his dad finish the nest with a few more splats of silk.

"Night night, little spiders, daddy 's gonna keep you safe, promise," Peter said drowsily. Kaine curled up in the crook of his arm and May snuggled against his side.

* * *

Peter half woke up to the familiar sound of the Nova Force and an empty nest. Happy baby sounds and the easy chatter of his partner and MJ reached his ears. Yawning widely, he rolled over and buried his head into his arms. Sam was back, babies were safe, explanations and yelling later.

Sleep now.

And maybe sleepy spider babies could convince Papá to join them in the nest, he'd made just the right amount of room, after all.

* * *

"Da!"

"Dada!"

"Hey, sleepy! Your coffee 's in the cup on the stove," Sam, as Nova, greeted his ceiling stumbling, half asleep partner.

The sound Peter made in greeting could charitably be called a grunt. His children were also enjoying the ceiling right now, Kaine busy playing the gravity game with his rattle and his Papá. May contentedly playing with some sort of (new) cosmic toy.

"You just missed MJ, she went to meet Harry at the airport."

Peter mussed Kaine and May's wispy hair on his way to the life giving, promised coffee. Peter flicked Sam's helmet as he walked past, he rolled his eyes and shook his head, "He's getting back early from some big wig meeting for Oscorp SoAm."

"Emmmmeh mehgaah emgah!"

"¡Tia Em juega, Papá juega, Kaine juega! ¡Juega juega!"

"Sounds like Mayday played some, too, huh?" Peter said, slightly more alert after gulping down half the cup.

"And you would not believe the stupid ass crap Hawkeye and his baby hawk have been doing without us," Sam added as Peter finished off his tepid coffee and put the mug in the sink.

"Eya. And she's also just Hawkeye," Peter corrected, stretching out his arms and arching his back. Sam watched appreciatively.

"She still won't enroll with SHIELD bee tee dubs," Sam said. Staying on the ceiling, Peter made his way back over to his family.

"Good for her," Peter grunted, dropping down into Sam's lap and giving him a deliberately sloppy kiss. Kaine giggled.

Before it could degenerate into a 'who can kiss the grossest' competition, May interrupted, "Dada no."

Sam chuckled, wrapping his arms around Peter even as Peter pulled back from their kiss.

"Oh, my bad Mayday, did I do it wrong?" Peter asked her, with all seriousness. Kaine blew a raspberry. Sam smirked.

"Uh-huh," May said with a firm nod.

"OK, like this?" Peter asked, sliding his hands against Sam's cheeks, resting his forehead against the Nova helmet.

"Papá, is it ok if I kiss you now?" Peter asked, lips quirking up at the corners with a suppressed smile.

Sam pretended to think it over.

"Well," he drawled out, smirk approaching truly obnoxious levels, before becoming a softer smile, "Yeah, OK. You can kiss me now."

Peter leaned in and gave Sam a real, proper kiss. Sam hummed softly as he returned the kiss.

May nodded to herself. Kaine giggled and dropped his rattle, watching it land on the rather barren floor below.

Sam pulled back with a sigh.

"Kaine, you giving your Papá a hard time?" Peter said as he webbed the rattle up from the floor. Kaine shrieked in delight.

"Nah, he's fine," Sam said smugly, "and I thought you were gonna pick out a 'better' name?"

Peter huffed and glowered back at Sam's smug expression, "I did pick out a better name. It isn't 'Cain' it's 'Kaine', with a kay ee."

"Riiiight," Sam said, sharing his expression of disbelief with Kaine and May, "Misspelled names, such edgy, much wowe."

"It's Kaine with a kay ee. I've decided," Peter snapped.

Kaine tried to make a line with his own, natural, webbing. Peter ducked just a smidge too late, Spidey sense failing to register a threat. Large glob of non-self dissolving spider silk now stuck in his hair.

Sam nearly dropped him from laughing.

"Sam!" Peter yelped, leaping down to the floor and running to the bathroom. No mirror. Practically bouncing through the closed bedroom door he leapt onto the wall and looked down at his reflection in the broken pieces of mirror on the floor. He reached up, touching the sticky silk with his gloved hand.

His glove remained stuck, even after he tried to un-stick himself with his powers.

"Saaaaaaaaaaaam!" Peter called.

"Get out of the bedroom, Web Head, it's not baby safe yet, jeeze," Sam returned.

Peter sulked out of the room, pulling the door closed with his now bare hand.

At Peter's dejected expression, on top of the glove now stuck in his hair, Sam barked out another laugh. Kaine and May clapped and giggled along with him.

"OK, OK, OK," Sam gasped out,"You look ridiculous."

Peter flopped on the ground below them with a strained whine.

"Hah, well you do! Anyways, don't worry, I'll cut it out and we can go get it evened out before the beach this weekend," Sam said, trying to keep a serious face.

"Beah!" 'beach' May said and signed in delight.

"Beeh, behbehbeh!" 'water' Kaine babbled and clumsily signed.

"MJ and Harry are really serious about this beach weekend, Webs," Sam said, "MJ said no super heroing or e-l-s-e, else."

"¡Tia Em!"

"Emmmgah!"

"Fine, but you gotta shave your mustache. I'm not suffering alone," Peter said with a huff, crossing his arms and frowning up at his partner.

"Seriously, Webs? Seriously," Sam said, reaching up to touch his upper lip with a pout.

"You look like a bucket creep, Bucket Creep," Peter sassed back. Sam stuck out his tongue, before darting to catch Kaine as he unstuck himself from the ceiling with a giggle.

May leapt down and landed on Peter's stomach with a delighted shriek.

"Oof! Mayday!" Peter grunted, catching her as she tried to grab the glove stuck in his hair.

"What is up with the ol' Spidey Sense today, ugh. Can you land on your own now, sweetie?" Peter wondered aloud. Sam floated back down, Kaine sticking to his chest.

"Yeah, well, your Papá ain't got a spidey sense, so please don't give him a heart attack, chiquita," Sam said, reaching out to tussle May's thin hair, "C'mon Mayday, stick to Papá so he can help your daddy with his awful hair."

May stuck her hands to Sam's forearm and chattered in barely comprehensible delight about fish, and water, and beaches. Kaine babbled happily back to his sister.

"Hey! My hair was beautiful!" Peter wailed piteously.

* * *

 _((I think I've gotten the diminutive of araña right, arañito for little spider._  
 _May is trying to say vuela which is the familiar imperative of volar (to fly) in Spanish, but children can't pronounce [l] until around 2-5 years of age or [v] until around 3 at the earliest, so the closest she's getting is bueya. And they don't start being able to pronounce [s] until around 2 years, so 'kih' instead of kiss. Though I think these studies were all done on English only speaking babies, so, eeeehhh))_


	3. Beach

**Summary:** Peter and Sam take their kids (that are also Peter's clones, no, really) to the beach. Sam has plans to make it unforgettable.

 _ **Notes:** ((The final, planned, installment of this AU. I don't really like describing clothes, I feel like it detracts from what's going on. They're at the beach so they're all in swim suits, yay. Also the swearing is tagged for one swear at the very end.))_

 _(See the end of the work for more notes.)_

* * *

 **Super Dads: Beach**

"Really, Peter. I'm happy to watch my little godchildren while you two go for a walk down the beach," Mary Jane said with a smile, cuddling Kaine close. Kaine reached determinedly for her bright red hair, currently pulled back in a bun. May scooped sand into a pile next to the blanket.

"Yeah, Pete, we'll be fine," Harry said, pulling out a bottle of homemade limeade from the cooler, with lime slices floating in it, and two plastic cups.

"We'll stay close, it'll be OK," Sam said, giving Peter's hand a squeeze.

"Yeah, OK, you're right, I'm being a worry wart, I just," Peter squeezed Sam's hand back and sighed.

"Hey man, you had a rough week, we get it. But me and MJ got this," Harry said, looking over his shades.

"Right, c'mon Bucket Head," Peter said, making up his mind and tugging Sam along towards the waves.

"Webs!" Sam huffed.

"Papá! Dada!" May cried out, picking up her sand pail and toddling after them.

May walked, not as sturdy on the sand, just in front of them, pausing so often to inspect bird tracks, seashells, and the occasional tiny crab in their path. Her papá now relegated to pail carrying duty.

"So why did the cow cross the road?" Peter asked, grinning.

"To get to the other side?" Sam said, with some trepidation.

"To get to the **udder** side!" Peter said with a snicker.

Sam groaned.

"Sheh, sheh!" May said as she picked up a broken piece of shell from the beach and examined it closely.

"Yup, that's a shell," Peter agreed.

"You found a shell, chiquita," Sam said, stopping their walk to watch May investigate her find.

"Ok, ok, what's black and white and red all over?" Peter asked, watching Sam watch May.

"Hah, easy, a newspaper," Sam said with a roll of his eyes, offering May the sand pail. She clutched her newfound seashell to her chest and glared at the pail. Sam left it in the sand beside her.

"No way, Bucket Head, a penguin with sunburn!" Peter gloated.

"Ugh, really? A sunburned penguin? You're such a dork," Sam said, shaking his head.

"You love it," Peter teased, bumping shoulders.

"Yeah, I kinda do," Sam said with a smile, "It's my turn now. I got one I know you'll like."

"Fine, fine, I guess you get a turn. I have my doubts, though," Peter said, sticking his nose in the air. Sam reached up to tilt Peter's face down, meeting his gaze.

"What do I have in my pocket?"

"Wha… what?" Peter said, eyes widening.

"Well?" Sam said, hand moving to his pocket.

"A… a… a ring?" Peter asked weakly.

Sam pulled a small box out of his pocket and offered it, opened, to Peter. A space black ring lay inside.

"I was hoping a nerd like you wouldn't need three guesses," Sam said with a nervous grin.

"Are you… are you **seriously** calling **me** a nerd after proposing to me with a line from _The Hobbit_?" Peter said in disbelief, reaching up to take the ring. Sam's smile practically reached his ears.

"Yeah, well, you might be rubbin' off on me. Just a bit," Sam said, still grinning. Peter smiled back, trying on the ring. With a blue flare the space black ring turned golden. Peter stared at it in surprise.

"Sam? Is this…?" Peter asked looking between the ring on his hand and his fiance. Sam rubbed the back of his head and looked down.

"I might have made them from the same stuff Nova helmets are made from, that's, uh… That's what I've been doing out," a vague gesture to the sky,"there, lately. Trying to find the ore and figure out how to forge it, and— H-hey!"

Sam's explanation was cut off as Peter picked him up in a hug, burying his face in the crook of his neck. Sam grunted and squirmed, feet dangling above the ground.

"Webs!" Sam started to protest, then stopped when he felt tears as Peter nuzzled into him.

"I love you so much, you stupid space nerd," Peter said, muffled.

"Das't it Webs, you sap, now I'm crying," Sam said, tears of happiness running down his face, "Augh, I love you too, you dork."

May crawled over to her dad and pulled up on his leg. Her newfound shell stuck to the top of her head.

"Dada OK? Papá OK?" she asked, looking up at them with a frown.

Peter stooped down to pick her up, much to Sam's delight. May giggled and waved her arms, perching on her dad's shoulders.

"Up up!" she shrieked. Peter and Sam laughed.

"Yeah Mayday, we're OK. Your papá finally made an honest spider outta your dad, is all," Peter said, smiling through his happy tears.

"Yeah, well, I got tired of waitin' for **someone** to make an honest man outta **me** ," Sam said, trying to sound tough but failing miserably. Peter rested his forehead against Sam's, smiling sheepishly.

"Well, my asking you to move in with me **was** me asking you to marry me," Peter said.

"You're somethin' else, Pete," Sam said, laughing.

"I hope Aunt May is getting this," Harry said as he watched his best friend make a fool of himself with his soon to be husband.

"Gaahnta,gaaahnnnta," Kaine babbled around a mouthful of (de-seeded) sliced lime.

"You know she is," Mary Jane said with a laugh, "That's right Kaine, Grauntie May is here today. What do you think about that, sugarcane?"

"Fuhk!"

* * *

 _ **Notes:** ((and five minutes later an angry Atlantean showed up and shenanigans ensued. Will Kaine ever get to enjoy the beach? Probably not, no. I mean, this isn't even Mexico.))_

 _((I might write the angsty depressing beginning of all of this, if the mood to write angst strikes me, but nothing else is really planned.))_


End file.
